Michael E. Koerner

Michael Koerner was my dad. That’s hard to write. “Was”. There’s not much new to be said about the death of a loved one after centuries of human experience, especially those who are the closest to our hearts. But that’s what I’m going to do, because this is my dad. And I loved him.

August 6, 1951 – January 3, 20241

My dad and I in San Diego, 2022

My dad was born in St. Louis, Missouri on August 6th, 1951. The internet says it was a Monday, and hot (92ºF). He doesn’t remember that. He grew up in south St. Louis City, Affton, and was the second oldest of four children. His parents worked hard to provide a safe and loving home and they did. Something that we Koerners continue to strive for today. He had a typical lower-to-middle-class upbringing. Running around the neighborhood getting up to no good, cooling off on the porch roof on a hot summer night. Hanging out with his younger brother Greg. Grandma, Georgia, never learned to drive, having access to public transportation – and Grandpa, Christ, did own a car and would take her wherever she needed. They both worked and cared for their children.

After high school he tried college. Forest Park Community College, but ended up joining the Navy. He spent a few years aboard the USS Reasoner. Even after only serving four years, he had a lifetime of stories to tell. About the people he met and befriended and the places he saw. Southern California – where he met his first wife and my mother, Carla, Vietnam and the Philippines, Washington state and even a little bit of Alaska, by way of motorcycle. 

My dad on his trip from San Diego to Alaska

Oh I should mention motorcycles – or really my father’s love for anything with wheels and a motor. 

A car aficionado since childhood, my father could look at nearly any vehicle on the road (or often in a parking lot at a local car show) and tell you numerous indelible things about the construction, performance, and culture around it. If it has a 404 (a size of motor), but came from the factory with a 306, he’d know what make and trim and year and…well, you get the picture. He was at every Easter Car Show in Forest Park for the last 30 some odd years. Even the little local ones every month, April through October. 

My dad at a car show with his good friend Marty. Explaining something about a car. 🙂

Mike, sorry, Michael – he was big on proper names2, not that he ever chided anyone for shortening them – spent his forty-something years of employment working in warehouses and mailrooms in higher education institutions. First at Washington University’s Central Stores, and later Saint Louis University. He worked hard and smart. Never making a trip back-and-forth empty-handed.

He defied the oft too common stereotypes of a motorcycle-riding, blue collar worker by being a fan of the arts. Which makes sense when you work for universities I suppose. Nah, my dad was just a voracious learner, a critical thinker, a common sense maker. A set of skills that continue to be passed down. 

My dad and I out at the farm

He was kind and loving. You couldn’t get off the phone without saying, “I love you too”, and even in my teenage years – and much to my chagrin – I always appreciated the affection he shared with me and many others. He showed up so many times throughout my life – all the way up until the end. He always told me how much he was proud of me. 

He adored being a dad and eventually a grandfather, lovingly known as Pop. Pop attended every dance recital, choir and orchestra concert, soccer game, and numerous other events his granddaughters do. Most recently he helped his oldest granddaughter Kari complete her Eagle Project. He welcomed my wife of now 20 years, Jackie, with such admiration and care that she was taken aback by the first hug and has loved every one since. 

Pop and the family

My dad was an avid reader. Of sci-fi, westerns, fantasy – anything with a good story and quick-witted dialog. He even started writing a few of his own stories, unpublished, but loved. 

He loved the movies. Film was a big way he and I bonded. Sharing the experience of being in front of a big screen and kibitzing afterword about the plot and characters and special effects. Oh, and going back to the mistaken stereotype, my dad loved the theatre. His favorite show was Mama Mia. A musical based on ABBA songs! I think he’d seen it enough times that they could have asked him up on stage to fill in as an understudy. We loved the Fabulous Fox Theatre and the hundreds of experiences of a live performance. A many blessed memories with the Vogelsangs (his godmother Martha and cousin Pat) and many others.

Education was crucial to my father. Working at universities (and being aware of the world) he always drove home the importance of being open-minded and continually learning. He worked these physically demanding, not very well paying jobs, so I could go to school. My going to college was very important to him – that I could have, and succeed, in a life better than the one he had. 

They say a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach and that has never been more true than with my father. He loved to try a new place to eat, to take us out for a casual burger, and to enjoy a home cooked meal. He stuck to the more traditional fare, but he never turned down trying something new. 

Never quite a trendsetter, my dad is proceeded in departing this life by his parents, Georgia and Christian, his brother, Gregory and sister, Barbara. He leaves behind a sister, Helen. He is proud of his son Christopher, his wife Jackie, and their two daughters, Kari and Kori. As we were of him. 

Kori, Pop, and Kari at the Garden Glow, 2023

To tell a story is to have one’s memory live forever. Please watch a film with a loved one and tell a story or two. Pick up a good book and read it aloud to someone. Travel. Go someplace new, even if it’s just a restaurant across town. 

If you’re interested, my dad asked that donations be made to the Ronald McDonald House Charities of St. Louis.

He didn’t want a funeral or a burial ceremony. “None of that dreary stuff”, he said. I don’t think he’d want a traditional obituary either, hence, the more casual and conversational tone in this one. Something I think my father was known for. If you want to pay a visit, he is interred at Jefferson Barracks National Cemetery.

A gathering will be held in the near future to celebrate his life. Where we can come together and share stories of him.

Our bikes during a ride together3

Seven Years – or thereabouts

In January I will have been at the Wikimedia Foundation for 7 years. 1 My role has changed a lot over those seven years, as has the organization and the wider Wikimedia movement. At the end of this year, I wanted to take a second to write down what I do and why. This is a pseudo-introduction post for social media (where I don’t have much of a presence) and a chance to pen a, “What I do for a living” blog post.

One of the big things I do is help with movement-facing communications stuff for the Wikimedia Foundation. The non-profit that supports Wikipedia and other free-knowledge projects. My job is to get teams at the Foundation to talk to the volunteers and share what they’re doing. Lots of behind-the-scenes feedback and input on how to find folks and where to talk to them – before we go and talk to them!

That’s always ongoing, never ending work that most of the time works well. Teams write their thinking down and understand what the community values (no surprises!). Folks know about the work we’re doing and can get involved. We understand their needs and concerns and address them. I try to be the voice of the community – as best any one person can – in internal conversations. So we’re as understanding and aligned as a 700+ org of folks, the majority of which are not contributors and are new to this community, can be. 

The other big thing I do is help run a community news and event blog called Diff. https://diff.wikimedia.org This is also ongoing, never ending work, that most of the time works well. It’s the more fun, direct work I do in support of the first big thing I mentioned.

The name is super dorky. It’s named after the “differential” view between two edits on a wiki and the difference volunteers make in their work. I get to help share what people are working on from around the world in the pursuit of free knowledge. I’m like the hype man for the Wikimedia movement. Ok, maybe just a hype man, but I love my job and feel very lucky that I get to do this for a living. 

In 2022, Diff saw 188,427 visitors making up 386,331 views. We published 640 posts in dozens of languages from close to 300 authors. We have over 720 email subscribers. On the scale of Wikipedia that’s small potatoes (English Wikipedia saw 96 Billion views in 2022), but on the scale of the movement of volunteers – editors, organizers, affiliates, staff, etc. – I’m happy with what we’ve done. For comparison we say we have about 300k contributors across all projects and languages, so to reach 188k “visitors” of that group, and a little beyond, is pretty good in my book. 

Diff is very open. You can login with your Wikimedia account and submit a draft. I keep the site running on the software/feature side of things, documentation, and helping review the drafts that come in and answer questions from authors. That last bit takes up a lot of time. I really appreciate everyone who takes the time to write a post and I am here for giving folks the platform and support to share their work. 

Here’s a short list of some of my favorite posts this year. 

Araisyohei, a volunteer from Japan takes on a behind-the-scenes tour of OYA Soichi Library, a small magazine library in Tokyo. There’s some great photos of their event and an even more amazing video tour of this tiny library embedded in the post. 

JA: https://diff.wikimedia.org/ja/2022/06/13/日本随一の雑誌専門図書館でエディッタソンを有/

EN: https://diff.wikimedia.org/2022/06/22/editathon-at-oya-soichi-library-japanese-magazine-library/

Every year Jimmy Wales celebrates Wikimedians for their efforts. Expanded in recent years, the “Wikimedian of the Year” awards are always a highlight. These folks are doing such unique and important work in their free time.

EN (Numerous language selectable in the drop-down): https://diff.wikimedia.org/2022/08/14/celebrating-the-2022-wikimedians-of-the-year/

One of the folks who won an award this year was Annie Rauwerda, from @depthsofwikipedia fame. I was fortunate enough to interview Annie in late 2021, right as she was blowing up. #humblebrag

https://diff.wikimedia.org/2021/12/07/from-the-depths-of-wikipedia-an-interview-with-wikimedian-and-influencer-annie-rauwerda/

Her work now has its own Wikipedia article in eight languages!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depths_of_Wikipedia

Wikimedians host photo contests throughout the year on various themes. Wiki loves Folklore, Wiki Loves Monuments, Wiki Loves Africa, Picture of the Year, and more. These contests capture the diversity of life on the planet and the amazing talents volunteers have – and share freely. I’m in awe and humbled every time we publish a recap of a contest. Here’s a recent one from the Wiki Loves Africa 2022 contest. 

https://diff.wikimedia.org/2022/12/06/intimate-glimpses-of-home-expressed-in-wiki-loves-africas-photo-competition-on-wikipedia/

Another from April and the Wiki Loves Monuments 2021 contest. 

https://diff.wikimedia.org/2022/04/20/take-a-journey-around-the-world-with-the-wiki-loves-monuments-winners-2021/

One of the cornerstones – maybe _the_ cornerstone of what makes Wikipedia work are citations to reliable sources. Access to these sources can be challenging. Many are behind paywalls or in journals that are hard to access. The Foundation helps by building a service called the Wikipedia Library, where volunteers can get free access to these sources to help create and improve articles. 

https://diff.wikimedia.org/2022/01/19/the-wikipedia-library-accessing-free-reliable-sources-is-now-easier-than-ever/

I work with a lot of smart folks who are trying to figure out how to create, sustain, and grow healthy and independent communities. One way we do that is by developing programs, training, and resources for communities to succeed. In this three-part(!) series, Alex Stinson explores how organizing helps the movement grow in relation to our 2030 movement strategy. 

https://diff.wikimedia.org/2022/04/05/part-i-anyone-can-edit-is-not-a-strategy-for-growing-the-wikimedia-movement/

Editing an encyclopedia seems like a boring, harmless endeavor. Until you realize that there are people who don’t want this to happen. They don’t like facts. Or laws that could greatly hinder how volunteers can contribute and what we’re able to host. Our legal department and our global advocacy team are some of the most caring, invested folks I know making sure people can express facts – and themselves – in areas of the world where that is dangerous. 

https://diff.wikimedia.org/2022/04/20/how-smart-is-the-smart-copyright-act/

https://diff.wikimedia.org/2022/07/12/what-does-the-wikimedia-foundations-human-rights-impact-assessment-mean-for-the-wikimedia-movement/

We also love to republish articles from elsewhere on the web. Wikimedian and deep learning enthusiast Colin Morris shared his work in trying to discover the _least_ viewed article on Wikipedia. 

https://diff.wikimedia.org/2022/06/06/in-search-of-the-least-viewed-article-on-wikipedia/

Last, but not least, our product tames take building software for everyone very seriously. We have a new desktop interface (and I think secretly a new mobile interface too) coming in January. In this post the product manager, Olga a good friend and foxhole comrade, talks about how the web team approaches developing their work with equity in mind. The sort of thoughtful product development we need to see more of in the world. 

EN (and seven languages): 

https://diff.wikimedia.org/2022/08/18/prioritizing-equity-within-wikipedias-new-desktop/


The Wikimedia movement is messy. People can be jerks and the barrier to entry is far too high for my liking. I show up every day trying to increase awareness and participation of what folks are doing. To gather people together and connect interests and ideas. It’s funny to be working in the blog mines in 2022 – not just working – but thriving when so many folks consider a blog as an old antiquated thing. I think they have a place and more folks should turn to them to share what they are doing and learn from others. I don’t know where I go from here professionally. Something I’ve been talking about with folks, but whatever is next I hope is more of this. Positivity, working together to tell the story of our movement, and supporting one another through difficult times.

Surfing Away From Here

These two gents say it better than I.

I’m spending less time online and more time in-person. I abandoned Twitter. Deleted the Reddit app from my phone. I even pruned my RSS feeds. I check deleted Facebook rarely entirely. Instead I’ve created a text list of friends to pay a visit to. I’m going to make it down the list to see everyone by the end of 2019. 

I got a Kindle from my wife for an early Christmas present. Renewed my library card. Notifications don’t exist on the Kindle and I’m still stupefied by e-ink. I can’t tab over to another app nor return to a home screen of jeweled distraction. I am spending more time reading long form books (boy is it hard to stay focused. I’m out of mental shape!). I’m playing more with the kids. Spending more time in the kitchen. 

And you know what? I don’t miss any of it. The stuff I was “reading” (wasting my time with) were frivolous drops of nothingness. Their mental caloric intake was negative. The fear of missing out has been replaced with the much healthier fear of getting sucked back in.

To quote yet another more eloquent persons, “This isn’t about not doing anything ever, it’s about not wasting your time filling your brain up with stuff that isn’t accomplishing anything except avoiding a feeling of discomfort.”

If you’re reading this, I care about you. I hope you’ll consider doing the same. See you on the outside.

P.S. Want to get lunch sometime?

Year One at the Wikimedia Foundation

Hairy, scary, and quite contrary.

What a year. When I published my two month reflection we had our Executive Director recently leave the organization after concern and frustration over their leadership, a sizable number of co-workers left related to the internal difficulties, and a sizable chunk of our bigger communities were rightfully antagonistic toward the foundation. It’s amazing we got anything done. 🙂

But we did, in spite of it all. I look back at just the teams I work with and can see a marked improvement in the trust in leadership, community relationships, and the actual products we develop and deliver to help folks around the projects.

I’m also encouraged by the formalization of the support community liaisons offer communities and product teams. We’re learning from our mistakes – not all the time, not everywhere – but we’ve built up some intrinsic knowledge on what to do, what not to do, and how to succeed when working with volunteers in the movement.

This is another reflection – mostly a ramble – to help me see what has happened and prepare for what is next. Enjoy, if that’s your sort of thing.

Scope

One of the complexities of the Wikimedia movement has recently dawned on me. The movement is vast, like ALL OF HUMANITY-level vast. Anyone with Internet access can be part of it. That’s a lot of voices.

Within the movement there are groups, some tightly affiliated like chapters and user groups, other loosely affiliated around a subject or interests (like maps or COI concerns), and then the multitude of affiliations any individual can muster in their contributions. From wiki gnomes to adopters of typos, to uploads of freely licensed cultural artifacts, to folks to take thousands of photos of video game paraphernalia.

A lot of time these are not separate groups. They overlap and intermingle. There are also editors that are not self-defined members of any group(s).

Then there’s the Wikimedia Foundation. About 285 people trying to understand and respond to the needs of all the above. And prioritize, and accomplish constantly progressing goals.

The scope of needs from the community is inherently diverse – we are a diverse movement and richer for it! 3D files, maps, better vandal tools, anti-harassment, GLAM, reading, mobile, editing, translation…the list goes on.

I sometimes worry that we (the foundation) are small, making it hard to focus on what to take care of next. I grapple with my own agency in the organization and the responsibilities to the teams I support. There’s so much to be done.

To compound that there is a feeling that we have hired volunteers from the community to work on things that interest them, further exacerbating the disconnect between what the communities wants and what we can deliver. What individual engineers like may be different that what the community wants. I’d like to think that the overwhelming majority of the work we do is a direct result of what the community needs and wants, but every once in a while I hear of something that doesn’t make sense to me – I fully admit this could be due to a simple lack of understating on my part.

What the community wants might even be, dare I say, boring and hard to rally the troops around. That can be tough to take on when there are so many shiny and interesting things just in arms reach.

Don’t get me wrong, I think we’re maturing in many ways and initiatives like the Community Tech team are a marked improvement. This is just a little thing in the back of my mind I’m bringing forward here.

An aside, I sometimes worry about us shying away from work that appears to be impossibly challenging – like say a single responsive design for MediaWiki. I also worry, as I myself have discovered, that once we hire volunteers it is rather hard to keep being a volunteer! I know my own participation in the MediaWiki Stakeholders’ group has waned in the last year, with the only significant contribution being attending and presenting at a few conferences.

It’s like anything you enjoy becoming your work, at the end of a long day you sometimes just want to put that aside and do something else.

Transparency

I think the way the grant information (and project in general) around Structured Data on Commons is an exemplary case of openness, proper early communication, and quick honest reply to community inquiry regarding details of the grant and otherwise. I think since our new ED has settled in we’re starting to be a little more open and less “gun-shy” in how we operate. I’m encouraged daily by particular staff and community members that keep us honest and remind us of the value of transparency. Many of the folks I work with know how to push on this facet of our movement in a constructive and collegiate way that makes taking that step into the open possible.

Toward a Healthier Community

I still am worried about folks who closely identify their sense of identity/self-worth/value with their contributions to the movement. I think we have many folks who are less than satisfied in other areas of life – or solely find satisfaction in the movement – who persist in our projects. I feel no ill will toward these folks, but genuine concern for their well-being. 1

Sometimes conversations can be frustrating. People on both sides can feel like they’re explaining something to a teenager – lots of talk, trying to make a convincing argument, but sometimes they listen and sometimes they just have to experience the situation themselves before learning.

I think we value too strongly contributions over behavior. While the traditional ‘workplace’ analogies have many flaws in an open and expansive movement like Wikimedia, I do think that if you’re not someone I can work with, I don’t want to work with you. Regardless of how smart, capable, experienced, etc. Life’s too short.

I think about my own experiences as a volunteer in other capacities. I’ve been part of a few communities for only a short time not because I wasn’t interested in the cause, but because the individuals participating were not kind to others – new comers in particular. That removes any emotional energy I could be using elsewhere.

However, I’m often commended by community and staff for remaining level-headed even in some of the challenging conversations that have ensued in the last year. That’s not to brag, but to say that even after a year I’m not yet a cynical husk of my former self. 🙂

The nice folks that I can get along with outnumber any grumps. I’ve even been surprised by how ‘the brightest burn fastest’ – that folks who skew toward extremes often burn out faster than those who follow the slow and steady.

My involvement in the Code of Conduct has been small, but sometimes frustrating. Some folks don’t like it. A lot more do. I recently caught this video from Raph Koster as he talked about the responsibilities involved in hosting online communities. It’s pretty much exactly why I think the behavioral side of our movement is so important.

Diversity

It’s interesting to me, as a college-educated, straight, white, dude in the mid-west, how often I find myself in conversations with folks not like me. It’s incredibly refreshing. I grew up in a poor, rural, very white county. The diversity in backgrounds, experiences, and voices is amazing. I’m using the meaning of that word in the literal sense – “Fill with astonishment”. It makes my own work better, the output of my team more nuanced, and the impact we have shows more care.

We need more of it and I’m happy to see that not only is my employer committed to it, but many efforts across the movement are as well.

Strategy

In the last year (and in particular the last few months) I’ve tried to be more aware and involved in discussions about strategy. From our quarterly goals, to annual planning, to strategy-wide discussions on the future of the movement. I have what I think is a decent understanding of what strategy is and why it is important, but never fully felt involved in how strategy is developed in any of the past organizations I worked for.

It’s not my strong suit. I feel like I’m very much a tactical “keep things running smoothly” kind of person, so expanding my knowledge on strategy and annual planning has been challenging. We have an internal study group and one of the suggestions was to read a book called the Starfish and the Spider. I thought it was a good read and helpful to understand the conundrums of being part of a spider organization that supports a starfish organization. 2

Work is Weird

I still struggle with understanding the norms of professionalism in the organization. I’m encouraged by the organization’s support of allowing employees to contribute to participate as volunteers – even when that means expressing options tha counter staff-lead initiatives or work. There are still occasions when I am pleasantly shocked that a co-worker responds in such a public matter. In my experiences at more traditionally organized ‘top-down’ organizations folks wouldn’t even consider speaking so openly and with the fear that the result would not be kind. I’m happy, but still baffled sometimes, that folks speak up regardless of hierarchy.

The diversity of initiatives and voices can make things seem a little like a cacophony. There is a lot of agency, if you’re willing to put in the effort, of defining the work to be done and how to approach it.

Working remotely from home has its ups-and-downs. I’ve started not going out as much with the cold weather over the last few months. I’m hoping to change that as the prospect of leaving my cozy little hole increases with the change in seasons. My wife is currently involved in about a dozen different operations, most of which afford her the ability to work from home as well. Having my family in arms reach can be helpful when having a stressful day. Hugs from a two-year-old a few feet away is a must in any future work arrangement.

I also need to start bugging friends to get out for lunch. I haven’t been very good about that as of late.3

Travel is something I’ve always enjoyed – especially when I have the privilege of doing so for work. I really enjoy meeting new people, listening to their interests and frustrations and learning more about how things work. It’s exhausting, tough work to be “on” for many hours in a day (and many days in a row!) as a representative of the foundation. I don’t take the responsibility lightly and try to get as much out of any event as possible. But I will be honest, I really love it.

I still struggle with confidence in my work. I work for a well-respected organization, with many smart people with impressive professional experience – and that applies equally to the folks I work with in our communities! I’m much more confident now a year later in knowing how to get stuff done, what to pay attention to, who to include, and how to organize discussions, but I’m still very much the “Gee golly, I’m sure glad to be here!” kind of guy.  I’ve been a little more bold in asking for help and leading conversations when I think necessary. So far? No one has complained. 4

Things they don’t tell you when you join the foundation

As a small aside, I was recently asked what sort of items would I include in our existing on boarding materials. I found out after the fact that many of my thoughts here are already shared in our documentation, but I must have missed them! Here’s my short list:

  1. Understanding the relationship between the foundation and communities. It’s different from other open-source/knowledge organizations. The communities came first, then the foundation. That might be different for folks use to a more ‘traditional’ model of org first then volunteers. Especially around decision-making and when and where the WMF becomes involved (or purposefully does not).
  2. Be okay with asking for help and proactively reaching out to folks with questions. We’re a good-sized organization, with a larger volunteer base that a single person could not be fully be aware of all the things all the time. We are also very remote friendly. These two things can lead to feeling a little lost – especially when new.
  3. I think this is understood as a certain level of professionalism regardless of your employ, but the movement has a low tolerance of BS. I don’t mean outright lying – which is inexcusable pretty much anywhere – but in over-promising with good intent. Just state the facts, don’t make assumptions (again, even with good intents), and make sure any claims can be backed up with data, experiences, community discussion, etc.
  4. Many folks are drawn to participate in the movement by ideological goals set forth in our mission and values. These are good, inspiring goals to aim toward. We also live in a world limited by time and space. 🙂 I think it’s prudent to help newcomers understand that the way forward is a balance between the two. Some community members (like any member of society at large) are strongly ideological, others more pragmatic. Being able to understand the two and how to navigate the conversations between is the only way this all works.
  5. Change is a constant. Sometimes it’s slowly, sometimes quickly. Being OK with that and having a healthy balance in the gaps in between is important. Perhaps not specific to foundation work, but remote work, with multiple responsibilities and efforts (spinning plates) you can sometimes start your day feeling underwhelmed/overwhelmed and end the day with the exact opposite. Ok, maybe it’s not that dramatic, but the fluctuation is noticeably more present here than in past experiences. I think that the fact that our movement is so global, or products/technology so diverse (mobile, to data analytics, to editing, to search to…), and our projects so active that it can be a little jarring.

Projects

Wow, I somehow ended up supporting more than just Discovery over the course of this year, and successfully at that! I’ve been helping the Reading department with a few of their products. It’s interesting to see the differences in style between the teams and how they approach organizing their work. So far my plate is full, but manageable.

The search team is almost ready to share some of the really impactful work around search engine results page. Bringing in content from sister projects to the results and showing richer metadata around the results I think will really help folks trying to find information “on-wiki”.

Reading has a new feature that we’re slowly rolling out called Page Previews. It’s currently the most popular beta feature on the English Wikipedia (and pretty popular elsewhere) and will soon be available for all folks as a default setting. While not revolutionary, it’s an evolutionary approach to quickly surfacing more information to folks who visit the site. 5

Something Like a Conclusion

I like the folks I work with. They are some of the most compassionate and supportive folks I’ve been thrown together with. I’m impressed with the leadership folks I work with in trying to keep things organized and well understood across teams and departments. We’re not perfect, but we try to assume good faith at every turn and are genuinely caring in how we work with one another.

I think I’ll stick around.

 

Reflections on XOXO

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I want to take what remaining energy I have after an amazing week to put some thoughts on paper – to talk about how the gathering of new friends has put some recent events in my life into perspective. This isn’t a review of the talks, how great the food was, and what new thing I learned about. Maybe that will come later. For now, I want to reflect the honesty I saw on display with a few things that have been happening in my life as of late that I have not talked about.

I was impressed by how many presentations challenged the status quo. Speakers asked us to not just think and talk more about these hard things (working independently, relying on others, racism, sexism) but to actually do something about it – making an effort in hiring, getting involved in what is happening locally, calling out assholes, and whatever else gets your ass out of a chair.

At XOXO I was able to see people I admire stand in front of a huge group of people – total strangers – and tell the most honest and open truth there is: one full of vulnerability and openness that is both overwhelming and welcome.jsj

I wanted to do something to echo the outpouring of humanity I saw at XOXO. So, here are a few things that are on my mind at the moment. This is the first time I’ve written about any of this. I see my time at XOXO, the sharing of information, the connections being made between people, and the bravery in talking about how things really are – even when it’s not glamorous – to be a call-to-action.

Instead of ignoring injustices and being comfortable we need to be comfortable with being uncomfortable and stand up for what we believe in. To keep moving forward. Writing this is extremely uncomfortable. I freely admit it is not a giant leap, but a small step. Writing this down and sharing it holds me to figuring these things out, to taking action.

Enjoy, or whatever the appropriate reaction to this is.

The Reflection

Earlier this year I had a small blush with Gamergate. Nothing personally threatening, but rather quite sad. It’s not resolved in my mind. I’m still not sure what to do.

I was reading Twitter one day when an author I admire made a reference to some GG’ers surprisingly making a positive comment about him in one of their forums. Out of curiosity I went to the forum to see what was being said. I was immediately struck with the headline of a thread. There would be a presentation on Gamergate hosted by an active GG’er at a local convention near my home.

I was like, “What the hell!? Who is actually giving someone in this group a literal stage to talk about their shitty tribe?” So I did what any normal human would do: I Googled the crap out of this person to learn as much as I can about them. Totally not creepy, right?

What I found was a local young dude with a similar background as I, but 10 years apart: same neighborhoods, same school, same college, male, white, young and lonely. I found an old Twitter account, where he gushed about his girlfriend at the time, family life, and his emotions and feelings. It was beautiful and all too familiar.

I thought, “Here’s a local young man with a similar background who was suckered into the fold of GG and their ideology. Why didn’t I? What could I say to him? How could I reach out to him?” 1

I created an account in the forum, and reached out to him. I asked if we could meet to talk before his presentation, if I could better understand where he was coming from, and what he was trying to do.

We met in person and chatted for an hour or so. He genuinely seem concerned with video game journalism and “censorship” of imported games. I asked him why use the Gamergate banner? Why identify with a group that has a terrible reputation? His response was that it wouldn’t matter. That the Gamergate he was part of was not the harassing part.

He was very dismissive of any arguments I brought up. It was frustrating. I kept my patience. I paid the fee to go to the conference and see his presentation. It was focused on the history of Gamergate (smoothing over all the false accusations and harassment) and restated the same rhetoric about bias, censorship, and journalism. No citations, no research, just more of the same Gamergate rhetoric.

All I heard was a scared lonely young man who found a sliver of power and self-worth in a group.

I reached out. I tried to understand. I am still thinking about this young person. I don’t have a clue what to do, if anything. I want him to be successful and happy. I worry that he won’t be.

The Parents

My in-laws recently bought a handgun. My wife and I are against guns. 2 My wife and I expressed this to her parents months ago. We did not want a gun around our children when they visited or stayed the night. They assured us they would not get a gun.

They got a gun. Months later we found out.

Two of the most compassionate, helpful, and loving people have been driven by fear to carrying a gun for “protection.” Since their retirement they rarely leave the house, they do not meet new people, they do not explore. Instead they watch 24/7 news that has led them to believe that ISIL is going to attack our small town, and that the terrorists are among us.

My father-in-law has taken to wearing camouflage now. In the past 15 years he has never talked about his experiences in the military, now he is “prepared.” He is now talking about ‘them’ coming to get ‘us.’ He’s supporting Trump. He carries a gun to the grocery store: a Dierbergs that’s literally across the street from where they raised two daughters and their grandchildren.

He says he has a gun in case someone breaks in or he needs to act. It’s in a locked safe, unloaded, and he, frankly, has terrible vision. He’s more likely to shoot himself or a loved one accidentally than be the good guy with a gun.

They lied to us. Their actions are worrying us. They have not seen their grandchildren since that day months ago.

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WTF does this have to do with XOXO?

I don’t know how to fix these things. My heart wants to make things right. Whatever that means in each. Maybe I can’t. Maybe I shouldn’t. I just can’t fucking figure it out. It’s wearing on me.

I have not lost as much as others. I have not struggled for as long. I’m aware of my fortune and privilege.

When I was young we were on food stamps. I was embarrassed at where I grew up. 3 My poor grades. Old, unglamorous jobs.

Then I get the chance to go to this amazing and scary event. Where I’ll be meeting people who I find to be inspiring. I thought maybe they’d have it figured out.

The individuals creating and sharing  in this space – each with a new sense of honesty, intimacy and connectedness. They all came together and I was fortunate enough to be among them: my heroes.

Being at XOXO was cathartic. It made me feel like I was not the only one struggling with these types of issues. Hearing from other people – the humans of the Internet – working to make things better. That we’ve collectively figured that much out.

XOXO, the people and their stories give me hope. We are not alone. The world is getting better. We are in this together. We are doing good. It is making a difference. It is important. It is hard.

The world is getting more inclusive. It happens frustratingly slowly, but it is happening. We are on the right side of history – I have no doubt now.

We will be ok.

 

More reflections from XOXO:

Photos