Category: Dealing with Things

This is meant as a way for me to get some ideas out of my head, to remind myself when even my own best judgement falters, and to inspire those with narrow experiences to see that often the better path is the harder path; to be the better person.²

Inspiration for this post comes from Reem and Netha’s talk from Wikimania 2018. Original draft written while listening to Asaf’s presentation at the same event. Both are recommended and influential. Thank you.

From a practical perspective I try to give examples and links to learn more. The goal is not to make you feel bad if you do some of these things. It’s to make you aware and give you a chance to reflect and, if you think it’s important, which I hope you do, improve yourself. We’re all on a path.

• Make a concerted effort to make space for other voices. Don’t consume the conversation. Know when to be quiet and listen. It’s hard when you’re excited about a topic. It’s hard when you have concerns and want to express them. It’s hard when you know the answer and want to share it first, but; give some space. You’ll have your chance.
• Learn how to listen. Not how to wait until your turn to speak or how to formulate a response while someone else is talking, but how to actively listen to others. Listen to understand. Listen to give others an opportunity to express. Listen to give space for more voices than your own. ³
• Learn how to give constructive feedback. Feedback should be a two-way street where you’re engaged with another person trying to improve a situation, not to hurt (intentionally or not) another. ⁴
• Criticism and kindness are not opposites. The former is more constructive to positive change when the latter is included. You can give actionable criticism without being unkind. In fact, my experiences have shown this to be far more productive for all parties when care is given.
• Be open to criticism. Don’t double down on your mistakes. Take it into consideration and listen. Admitting you made a mistake speaks more to your character than being closed off, brutish, argumentative.
• Learn how to have a genuine conversation. ⁵
  
• Seek to learn more and be patient. Don’t speak with certainty on things you don’t fully know. Choose your words carefully. Workshop ideas with close friends before presenting them to acquaintances or the public.
• Ask questions. 
• Take care of yourself. ⁶
• Don’t blame the victim. ⁷
• You don’t have to know, or be an expert on, everything. No one is expecting that of you. Defer to those with experience. Listen and internalize what they are saying. Reflect. Improve yourself.
• Don’t talk over people.
• Give credit.
• Be vulnerable. ⁸
• Show empathy.
  • “Empathize with their experience, knowing that offering empathy doesn’t mean that you’re taking on the blame for their experience”⁹
• You don’t always have to lave the last word.
• The words you do pick matter. ¹⁰
• Be patient.
  
• Don’t dismiss folks who don’t want to participate in a space because they aren’t “tough enough”, don’t have a ‘thick skin’, or don’t operate with harsh with rule-bound logic. 
  • If you think you can put up with it (or have), that’s not healthy. You can deny it, or ignore it. Maybe you’re not even aware that it’s an unhealthy thing. Maybe it speaks to a privilege you might not even be aware of. Maybe you lack the emotional intelligence. I’m not saying this to be disparaging. It’s an opportunity to reflect. Because you can tolerate something does not mean others should have to, or can.
• Be honest with yourself.
• Be honest with others. This doesn’t mean be a blunt jerk, but don’t be a liar. 
  • When you find yourself in a hole, quit digging. Don’t backpedal, you just pull more dirt into the hole.
  • Don’t gaslight people. Find yourself regretting something? Don’t give a lame excuse. Own the mistake, apologize, and make an honest effort to do better next time.
  • Wikimedia values transparency as form of honesty. We value a shared truth as a means to equity. We value openness as vulnerability. That’s the only way we’re going to get to the sum of all knowledge.
• OSM has the ‘Map what’s on the ground‘ practice around knowledge. In Wikimedia I like to think that plays out similarly in the representation in who we are writing about and who is participating. If we don’t respect this “on the ground” knowledge people bring to the movement, we will fossilize and miss our goal.
• Be humble.
• Use your privilege for good. Be an advocate for others. There’s plenty of room at the Wikimedia table. The real threats are from known bad-actors (vandals, POV-pushers, paid editing) not from more diverse good-faith contributors. 
• See an opportunity to improve behavior? Remind folks we don’t do that here.
• Speak up and encourage reporting of actions that aren’t what we expect from one another. Reporting helps give a voice to underrepresented people and is the only way we can be aware of problems early. There are hundreds of reasons people won’t advocate for themselves. As a man, you can do this. Need some resources? 
• Don’t pry with personal questions when someone tells a story about something that happened to them. You’re not a detective. It happened. Trust them unless they-as-an-individual give you a reason not to.
• Commenting on someone’s appearance is a bad look. Unless it’s something that they can fix in 10 seconds; like a string hanging off their shirt or a bit of fuzz in their hair, don’t mention it.
• Avoid unhealthy reinforcement of male-dominated culture. Sexual gratuity, punching-down, outrage culture bullshit, most of reddit. These are forms of extremism. Nothing good comes from extremism. Be like buddha, take the middle path.^{11 12}
• Get off the Internet. Go outside. Be with people. ¹³

Thanks to my wife Jackie for reading this over for me. For my dad for being an example of a good man. For my friends, family, and co-workers that listen and give feedback.